As you may know, I suffered a miscarriage in July. Since then my emotions have been on a roller coaster. Initially, I was simply relieved to have everything over with so I could start to feel like myself again and I could begin to heal. Then, to soothe my pain I quickly I began daydreaming of my rainbow baby. I assumed we would conceive the very next month and all the cute little footies pajamas I bought would no longer bring me pain of a child loss, but hope of a future.
Unfortunately, things just are not working out that way. When I took my first pregnancy test after our loss it was a heart shattering devastation when the words “Not Pregnant” appeared. I felt robbed and many tears flowed. While I have physically healed, emotionally I feel broken and empty. My womb aches to nourish and shelter life again. I ache for my rainbow baby. It’s hard for me to even put into words the devastation when my intense joy at conceiving was shattered and just a few weeks later my womb was empty. I pray to soon feel that joy again and fear I will be terrified every time my stomach aches.
Miscarriage has also made me painfully aware of how blunt people can be. With my son having just turned 19 months old strangers are starting to question when the next baby is planned. Literally strangers! In one breath they complement my son’s smile and in the next breath they have the nerve to tell me “looks like it’s time for another”, or “you don’t want to wait too long”. Without fail I am shocked by their boldness and stumble over my words for an answer. More than once I have bit my tongue to stop myself from telling them my last baby died and I’m desperately praying for our rainbow baby. Instead I smile and nod in agreement as I quickly excuse myself from the situation before tears come. Why must everyone have an opinion? Even people who know what we have been through seem to forget themselves as they joke in conversation about how Luke is ready for a sibling. I know! That is why we conceived months ago.
Unfortunately, I have found that little has eased my pain even the passage of time. Every day that passes I pray God will bless us soon with a healthy rainbow baby. For as difficult as pregnancy can be, I long to feel those first flutters of life. I believe a new healthy pregnancy will help me heal the deepest of my aches. If I had not lost our baby I would now be in the second trimester with a cute little baby bump and eagerly awaiting news of gender. Thoughts like that cause me the greatest pain, longing for what I wish was.
Please pray for us and our sweet rainbow baby. Pray my anxiety will not be suffocating, fearing another loss. And please pray that God gives me strength to take the test each month without being crushed should the result be negative.
Bible verses that bring me hope and encouragement:
God has you in the palm of His hand. Isaiah 49:16
I prayed for this child. 1 Samuel 1:27
‘For I know the plans I have for you’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’ Jeremiah 29:11
He has made everything beautiful in its time. Ecclesiastes 3:11
Every good and perfect gift is from above. James 1:17
Thanks for stopping by!
Dr. Patricia Bast was born and raised in Southern California. After earning her bachelors degree at UC Irvine, she went on to graduate medical school from Touro University College of Osteopathic Medicine in Northern California. She then returned home to Southern California and became a resident in Pediatrics at Loma Linda Children’s Hospital. Dr. Bast is now raising her children and loves working part-time at a pediatric clinic, watching her patients grow and thrive.