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Dreaming of our Rainbow Baby

Blog Post· Miscarriage and Loss

12/31
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As you may know, I suffered a miscarriage in July. Since then my emotions have been on a roller coaster. Initially, I was simply relieved to have everything over with so I could start to feel like myself again and I could begin to heal. Then, to soothe my pain I quickly I began daydreaming of my rainbow baby. I assumed we would conceive the very next month and all the cute little footies pajamas I bought would no longer bring me pain of a child loss, but hope of a future.

Unfortunately, things just are not working out that way. When I took my first pregnancy test after our loss it was a heart shattering devastation when the words “Not Pregnant” appeared. I felt robbed and many tears flowed. While I have physically healed, emotionally I feel broken and empty. My womb aches to nourish and shelter life again. I ache for my rainbow baby. It’s hard for me to even put into words the devastation when my intense joy at conceiving was shattered and just a few weeks later my womb was empty. I pray to soon feel that joy again and fear I will be terrified every time my stomach aches.

Miscarriage has also made me painfully aware of how blunt people can be. With my son having just turned 19 months old strangers are starting to question when the next baby is planned. Literally strangers! In one breath they complement my son’s smile and in the next breath they have the nerve to tell me “looks like it’s time for another”, or “you don’t want to wait too long”. Without fail I am shocked by their boldness and stumble over my words for an answer. More than once I have bit my tongue to stop myself from telling them my last baby died and I’m desperately praying for our rainbow baby. Instead I smile and nod in agreement as I quickly excuse myself from the situation before tears come. Why must everyone have an opinion? Even people who know what we have been through seem to forget themselves as they joke in conversation about how Luke is ready for a sibling. I know! That is why we conceived months ago.

Unfortunately, I have found that little has eased my pain even the passage of time. Every day that passes I pray God will bless us soon with a healthy rainbow baby. For as difficult as pregnancy can be, I long to feel those first flutters of life. I believe a new healthy pregnancy will help me heal the deepest of my aches. If I had not lost our baby I would now be in the second trimester with a cute little baby bump and eagerly awaiting news of gender. Thoughts like that cause me the greatest pain, longing for what I wish was.

Please pray for us and our sweet rainbow baby. Pray my anxiety will not be suffocating, fearing another loss. And please pray that God gives me strength to take the test each month without being crushed should the result be negative.

Bible verses that bring me hope and encouragement:

God has you in the palm of His hand. Isaiah 49:16

I prayed for this child. 1 Samuel 1:27

‘For I know the plans I have for you’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’ Jeremiah 29:11

He has made everything beautiful in its time. Ecclesiastes 3:11

Every good and perfect gift is from above. James 1:17

MY MISCARRIAGE STORY

Photo taken about a week before we had our second miscarriage.

Thanks for stopping by!

Your Name
Patricia Bast DO

Dr. Patricia Bast was born and raised in Southern California. She earned a bachelors degree in science at UC Irvine, then went on to graduate medical school from Touro University College of Osteopathic Medicine in Northern California. After several years working as a pediatrician Dr. Bast choose to expand her training to include lactation consultant. Dr. Bast is now raising her children and taking care of patients in beautiful Georgia.

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I am sad the Christmas season is ending, there is I am sad the Christmas season is ending, there is so much magic watching children experience all the beautiful joy 💕 
Isabella was a little uncertain about Santa this year. She LOVED talking to him but didn’t want to sit on his lap for more than 30 seconds. Noah on the other hand was his biggest fan. Luke is learned why all the Santa’s look different 😅
All my life my heart longed for a baby girl. This All my life my heart longed for a baby girl. This precious girl has changed and grown our family in all the best ways. I can hardly remember what life was like without her strong firey personality in it.
Motherhood has been hard, so incredibly challenging, but it is also the most incredible journey I have ever been on! 

Pictured in the @bravadodesigns Beaucoup nursing bra, very comfortable and supportive enough to wear all day.
It happens so quickly, the beautiful Fall colors a It happens so quickly, the beautiful Fall colors are disappearing and winter’s cold temperatures are taking over Georgia. Just last week we were making leaf piles and wearing shorts. Now we hide in doors under blankets and search for ways to entertain tiny balls of energy. 
Sweet Isabella woke up in the wee hours with her first stomach bug. My heart breaks for her. What are your favorite ways to heal upset tummies? And to entertain siblings stuck indoors?
It has been a busy week! Luke started 1st grade an It has been a busy week! Luke started 1st grade and Noah returned to his special needs preschool (he goes 2 days/wk). 

This year I really struggled with the decision between homeschool and public school. For so many reasons my heart lies with homeschooling, but in the end we chose to let the boys choose and they both desired to be with their friends in public school. 

What type of schooling have you chosen for your kids and why?

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