- Suddenly I am very sensitive when people ask if Luke is my only child. I don’t know if I should say yes, no because I now have two babies in Heaven, or simply cry.
- Newborns now fill me with a sense of longing like something is missing, I have also cried upon seeing pregnant woman, and at baby announcements.
- Weight gain. Even though I lost both babies in the first trimester, they left significant impacts on my body. At first I thought I was simply swelling from the trauma of miscarriage, but now I believe the hormonal swing affected my metabolism causing sudden significant weight gain that is taking months to normalize again.
- Significant body self consciousness. Before we lost our first baby in July I felt good when looking in the mirror. Now I feel betrayal and notice the unsightly soft bumpy curves; the same shape that represented a growing baby just weeks prior are now hollow reminders that my womb is empty.
- My dreams now haunt me, over the 6 months since my first loss I have had at least 5 dreams of being pregnant or holding my new newborn baby. Every time, I wake with my arms aching to hold my baby.
- Initially, I was very open and shared my journey with strangers whom asked. Now I hate talking about it… All too often people’s comments cause far more pain then comfort.
- I now understand that the impression this kind of loss leaves does not quickly heal, it scars you forever. I also have learned that people don’t understand this, they expect you to just “wait a while and try again”… As though my miscarriage is simply a failed attempt to create life instead of a tragic loss so soon.
- Every time you have your period is now triggers a form of PTSD, I cry and ache for the babies I have lost.
- Finally, I have found that with each loss my aching for a healthy baby intensifies, but now it is accompanied by fear that nothing is guaranteed.
Thanks for stopping by!
Dr. Patricia Bast was born and raised in Southern California. She earned a bachelors degree in science at UC Irvine, then went on to graduate medical school from Touro University College of Osteopathic Medicine in Northern California. After several years working as a pediatrician Dr. Bast choose to expand her training to include lactation consultant. Dr. Bast is now raising her children and taking care of patients in beautiful Georgia.